


How many times.

by LoverOfWriting



Series: Malec: What our eyes didn't see (Codas) [5]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Forgiveness, Hurtful memories, Love, M/M, Malec, Shame, a lot of love, apologize
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-11-15 05:17:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11224101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoverOfWriting/pseuds/LoverOfWriting
Summary: Hi, loves! After episode 2x12, and the body swapping, Magnus looked utterly devastated, and Alec wanted to do anything to help him. Both of them need so much love and caring!This is my view of what could have happened after the scene we were shown in the show.Enjoy!





	How many times.

**Author's Note:**

> As usual, big thanks to my beta Nath, who did her part quickly so I can give this to you all. But even more, her suggestions improved my original development. She's truly the best!!!

 

 

 

_How many times can you say sorry until it's enough._

_How many times can you wish to turn back times so wrong things can be righted._

_How many times can you blame yourself until your guilt overcomes the mistakes you've made._

_How many times…_

Every time that Alec closed his eyes, he saw Magnus' anguished face, mixed with Valentine's pain-twisted features. Only that it hadn't been Valentine' soul that had suffered in Valentine's body.

It had been Magnus'.

And Alec hadn't been smart enough to see that. He hadn't loved Magnus enough to see his true self through Valentine's dark eyes.

How could he not have realized? Valentine's eyes were cold and deceiving, with that malignant glow that no trick could have subdued it.

Instead, Magnus' eyes had shone pure and imploring through the other man's, begging Alec to believe him, if not his words.

But Alec had preferred to believe the Inquisitor and the Clave.

And Jace, of course. But he would never blame his brother for not trusting Valentine Morgenstern, after all that he had been through with the one Jace believed to be his father.

No, Jace had only advised him what any sane person would have. Not to fall for Valentine's trap.

Alec had failed his family, friends and partners so much, lately. There had been so many dead Shadowhunters. He felt their deaths as another notch in his own failure board.

And now, he had failed Magnus, when he needed him the most.

Alec licked the tip of a finger, where he had just cut himself with a slice of glass from the broken cups, a drop of blood bright on his fair skin, and kept cleaning the floor. He heard Magnus coming out of the bedroom and looked up at him.

Magnus passed by him, not even glancing at his kneeling boyfriend. He dropped on the couch, rubbing his brow with two ringed fingers, the tiredness oozing from every one of his pores.

Alec sat cautiously beside him, keeping a respectful distance, apologizing over and over again.

_How many times can you apologize._

 

*****

 

Magnus heard Alec moving. In the bottom of his heart, he knew that he shouldn't blame Alec.

He should blame himself instead. For being so stupidly arrogant that he thought he could handle that demon.

He was well aware that Azazel was a master of deceiving. A Greater Demon who played people of any race like marionettes, and took pride and fun from it.

And he had found the perfect puppets. Switching their souls and bodies had been not only useful but a welcomed distraction, while he seized the Mortal Cup.

Magnus should have known better.

_Why then was he acting as if he was blaming Alec?_

Because the High Warlock of Brooklyn was ashamed of himself.

It was so much easier to blame others. To put your faith in the one you loved, believing that love would be enough. He had thought that Alec would recognize him, by words and looks. He had thought that Alec would see beyond that old façade and see the real Magnus under the hatred and distrust that Valentine inspired in Shadowhunters.

But Alec hadn't.

And Magnus was confused. He, who always boasted of being ancient-wise and experienced, didn't know where, or who, to put his blame on.

 

*****

  

"Tell me how to fix this." Alec had implored.

Magnus closed his eyes briefly.

"Just tell me what to do. Please." Alec had begged.

Magnus could feel that Alec was aching for touching him, for hugging him. The warlock didn't want anything more than to feel Alec's strong, caring arms around himself.

Instead, he shook his head, his gaze vacant and unsure.

Alec was asking him.

He was at loss.

He couldn't answer. He didn't know how.

His mind was clouded by past, hurtful memories from his childhood, brought up by that horrible agony rune that Imogen had used on him.

Memories about his mum, and the pain and loneliness he felt when he found her hanging from a beam in the ceiling, but he was so small that he couldn't reach her, he couldn't unknot the rope and save her, and have her back to him. To the pain he got from his step-father, who blamed him for her death, which deprived him from unleashing his fury on her back. _Demon of a child_ , his step-father used to call him, while he slashed Magnus' back again and again with his belt. _Demon in flesh. Demon in blood. Demon in soul._

Memories from all those lonesome centuries, where there was always someone asking something from him, even though they despised him for being different.

Now he heard Alec, asking him too.

Alec, who never asked for anything. Alec, who found it so hard to ask for help.

But then again…

Alec wasn't asking for himself, but for Magnus.

For Magnus.

He sensed him getting up to his feet and leaving the room.

The warlock sighed in defeat. Alec was giving up on him too. Just because Magnus, for the first time in many years, didn't know what to do. How to act. How to feel.

He heard Alec's muffled voice, in some other room.

And after a moment, Alec's steps coming back.

The dip on the couch, that tall tower of a man taking his place next to Magnus again.

The silence, somehow awkward now but not actually uncomfortable.

Because Alec hadn't given up on Magnus, apparently.

The warlock opened his eyes, breathing deep, glancing to his left, afraid that Alec's presence was yet another illusion.

He first noticed that the floor was clean from glass now, the wastepaper basket gone.

But Alec was still there, waiting. He was quiet, his eyes fixed on Magnus' hands, as if he had lost his privilege to look at his boyfriend's eyes.

They stayed like that for a long time.

Magnus, trying to reconcile his whirling, troubled thoughts and feelings.

And Alec, wringing his hands together, hoping, praying, that his presence wouldn't be rejected. His mind went over Jace's words, on the phone earlier, urging him not to give on Magnus.

_"Don't overthink, Alec!" Jace had said. "You saved Magnus, eventually. Hold on to that thought, brother!"_

_"He doesn't want me here, Jace." Alec mumbled, fighting the tears in his throat. "I disappointed him. I let him down. I helped to almost kill him, by the Angel!" He cried with a strangled voice. "I'm not good enough for him, I should…"_

_"Shut up, Alec! Don't go that way! There's only one thing you can… no, you MUST do now, and it's stay with him. All the time he needs. Just be there. Just be with him."_

_Alec worried his lower lip, weighing Jace's words._

_"When did you become so clever?" He said at last, a hint of smile in his voice._

_He heard Jace sigh._

_"Don't lose the love of your life, Alec. Don't let him go. Don't…" The young blond man cut himself dry before betraying his own feelings._

_"I'll try my best." Alec promised. "And Jace…"_

_"Hm?"_

_"Thank you."_

_Jace scoffed._

_"Don't thank me yet. When Magnus and you are back to be in good terms, I want the best steak in the city."_

_"Deal." Alec hung up with a little smile._

And there they were, with Alec's mind playing his moments with Valentine/Magnus on a loop, trying to figure out how he should have acted, what hint should have been the one to open his eyes to the truth.

"Stop." Magnus said in a low tone, setting one of his hands over Alec's wriggling ones.

Alec lifted his gaze, scared. Scared in a way that he had never felt.

"Do you want me to go?" He whispered.

Scared that Magnus sent him out. Out of his home. Out of his life.

But there was nothing but warmth in the warlock's eyes.

"No, Alec. I don't want you to go. I just want you to…" Magnus sighed. "I just want you to understand that I need some time. Time to get my memories back to the place where they should have never left."

Alec nodded, feeling the heat from Magnus' skin on his hand as if it was the most marvelous sensation in the world.

"But…" He couldn't stop himself from saying. "If those memories are that bad, wouldn't it be better if you keep them out, instead of in?"

Magnus looked at him, not fully understanding. Then he realized.

"Oh. You mean sharing them with you." His voice turned cold, his eyes lost in a time long time gone.

_Walls up._

Alec fixed his gaze on their now intertwined hands, chiding himself.

_Damn his big mouth, damn his stupid brain._

He had overstepped his position, he was sure. Now Magnus would kick him out.

Alec didn't dare to move. Magnus could have been a beautiful but sad bronze statue, his chest barely moving to breath.

The young Shadowhunter swallowed, lightly rubbing a finger over the back of Magnus' hand.

_How many times could you apologize without the words losing their true meaning?_

"My mom was a nice woman." Alec heard Magnus musing. Only thanks to his trained ear could he discern what the warlock said. "She loved me even though I was a weird child. She always found a way to explain my _eccentricities._ Until she found out why I was different. It was then when she took her life."

Alec squeezed his boyfriend's fingers, a silent encouragement to go on.

"You don't want to hear this, Alexander." The warlock said, his eyes holding the weight of centuries of pain.

"I want to hear everything from you, Magnus." Alec said, his voice low but firm. "I want everything from you. Good or bad. I love you."

Magnus closed his eyes shut and talked, his voice rough and torn.

The gates were open then. Magnus talked and cried, Alec listened and held him.

_Walls down._

They ended up lying on the couch, exhausted, Alec embracing Magnus with his long, powerful arms.

Magnus rested his head on Alec's shoulder, feeling his own chest less compressed.

Now he knew where, or who, _not_ to put the blame on.

"Thank you, Alexander."

"I should be the one thanking you, Magnus. For letting me stay. For still wanting me. Despite all the wrong things I've done."

The ancient High Warlock of Brooklyn smiled, his hot breath brushing his boyfriend's neck.

"I want everything from you, Alexander. Good or bad. I love you."

Alec's chest suddenly felt less heavy too. He kissed Magnus's forehead and held him a bit tighter. Magnus tilted his head up and they met half-way for a soft kiss.

_How many times can you fall in love with the same person._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Did you like it? Did you think, like I do, that we needed more of Malec after what happened? 
> 
> Tell me! Here, in Twitter (tag @myramerida), by mail...
> 
> I love to know and share your povs! And... THANKS FOR READING!!! <3


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